Check out these wacky second beats of STUFF from my Facebook and Twitter feeds!
Trump may be drunk with power and our constant police state is terrifying 24/7 but guess who bought Target's last copy of How I Met Your Mother on DVD today :)
To the ass hole who broke into my condo and stole my collection of stamps .. There's a lock on my door for a reason. You don't like it then hold up The post office with a big Greenish shotgun
Fucking scorched at the fact that my prosthetic toes are still "in transit" Jesus
Playing a classic trick on the bride and I need 4 bridesmaid dresses with giant dicks sewn to the front ASAP thank you
"Doctor you need to make the incision now"
"Ugh I will soon I proooomise"
Dan and Shannon, congratulations on your beautiful wedding day. I know you requested "generous donations to The Red Cross" in leui of gifts, but I think you're gonna like this five-gallon jug of unfiltered local honey I picked up right off the turnpike!
A butcher stabbed at my abdomen today, just to see if I was wearing a bulletproof vest #wenevergooutofstyle #iwasnt
Shouldn't have procrastinated this, can anyone suggest a funeral home??
Hahahaha mom walked all the way down the street and into another family's house because she thought it was hers. So cute love her.
Never got into T-ball in my youth, looking for a adult class if anyone has any leads
