6/1/2016

Twitter

Hey as long as you can forgive someone within 5 seconds of them wronging you then you're in the clear. Yes even if she's still in bed with him! #HumpDayWisdomWednesday

Today is June 1st. Leave your stage 4 cancer in May. Have a positive mindset and just be better NOW! #BestLifeCoach

Facebook

Just want to give a CRAZY LOUD THANKS to every person who suggested Philips brand stool softener for 6 day irregularity. I got some for a party this weekend and it was well worth the money (the money that I paid, for the record)... all medium sized BMs. Farts were pleasant too! Highly highly suggest!

Attention to all the people who are reading this. Please do not use my toothbrush and tell my family or anyone in the universe that I believe in sharing toothbrushes, we give eachother oral hygene advice for x amount of years, had scheduled cleanings (while we never actually scheduled them) and even worse, trying to make the fake stories out of it in order to get even more oral hygene advice, water picks, mouthwash, floss, braces, or whatever.

And to the people of the universe, you know I don't have that many teeth except the ones that are hanging from my gums (those are my actual teeth). I'm just not impressed and will not appreciate these teeth liars. Cavities on you! 

5/31/2016

Twitter

Shopping at Whole Foods is the ultimate faith healer, restoring belief not only in oneself but dinner's possibilities #GlobalWholeFoodsMarketDay

"I've just posted a new blog: How the surface of Pluto got its peculiar polygonal shapes"

"So this is how we're spending the wedding night?"

Facebook

Does anyone know how you can stop the US Government, from being thrown on your life and your rights? My neighbor NEVER breaks the law, and all I do is create propaganda!

SEE the wonder as a family purchases a NEW Ford Explorer because their Toyota Highlander BROKE DOWN. #Wow 

5/30/2016

Twitter

Cars that go from point A to point B #__AlwaysBlowsMyMin

Drinkin some ice cold white milk and just catching up on YouTube clips of aircraft #accidents. What #BBMAs? lol

Facebook

Ugh it makes me disgusted that the schools want to teach children how to prepare and file taxes. Of course they should know it but they honestly should learn it on their goddamn own.

Lookin for a reliable meth lab please. I have lots of sudaphed and I need to turn it into meth (dealer is too expensive!)

Thanks!!

5/29/2016

Twitter

"Arsenal just announced Xhaka will wear the no 29 jersey"

"Tim we're at my uncle's funeral for fuck sake"

Excuse me but you're telling me I have to pay income taxes on both my wedding day AND the premiere day of The Muppets vs. Donald Trump?? Fuck I hate my life.

Facebook

Give birth to your newborn is my Middletown home, $10hr! Years of babies and proud parents served right in my shabby chic foyer

UNBELIEVABLE: Wild animal enjoys food. Tune in at 11 for Obvious News Local Edition

5/28/2016

Twitter

#ReasonsWarsFail He didn't #InvadeIraq

Hey cool it's #nationalicecubeday so I'm gonna make crushed ice and then tweet about it~

Facebook

Wondering why all the prisons around Newark are so secure and Newark gets ignored. The prison needs serious policing before someone gets shanked. #smh

Hey friends! In case I haven't told you through LinkedIn or email yet lol, I have a new career as an ice cream man! I prefer the term Sales Coordinator in Frozen Dairy Options. So for all of you who enjoy Frozen Dairy and don't have a Coordinator, I would welcome the opportunity to be your "ice cream guy".

I would handle anything Good Humor or Häagen-Dazs for you and you would no longer have to hail an ice cream truck or go to a Cold Stone Creamery where they would treat you like a number. I would give you superior ice cream and take care of you personally. I work on an appointment basis so please contact me to set up your first ice cream screening!

Check out the newly improved Choco Taco. This double chocolate layer will be the best one yet! Have a great holiday weekend and PLEASE EAT ICE CREAM!