5/27/2016

Hey wow cool! I have pinkeye this weekend! So of course my schedule/life is all messed up! Here's my 5/27 post a day late (but not a dollar short).

Twitter

Nothing better than puppy cuddles and The Wendy Williams Show when "your" illegally crossing into Mexico to avoid those double murder charges :) #OnTheLamb #TeacherLife

*At the birth of their first child* Oh shit lmfaoooo this #baby def caught #leprosy ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) kwehkwehkweh....

Doctor: Nurse call security   

Facebook

Love my pet raccoons! I know I know I post about them a little too much but they're so loving; today I woke up with an early Father's Day present from them: RHABDOVIRIDAE. #MyTanukisGaveMeRabies #Rabies

Looking for   a vape shop that's clean an has modern flavors.. for vaping.   Thank u!

5/26/2016

Twitter

You bet I have weekend plans buddy! Just going to wallow in melancholy while I recount the loved ones whom have passed from their time on earth. I just want to see them again. That's it. So yeah this kicks the garbage out of your hiking trip.

Omg stop I need to tweet this people NEED to know that I plan on doing literally the most useless act imaginable this weekend!! THEY DESERVE TO KNOW.

Facebook

I  A M  A  L A W Y E R                       This could be you at some point in your career! I'm conducting a hearing in July at first avenue. All female jury. Are you possibly available? Interested? HEARINGS. HEARINGS.          HEARINGS TONIGHT 5/26 700pm. First Ave Courthouse. Need women only. 

On my big vacation in España! Completely forgot how to say "hospital" so I just showed the taxi driver the bullet hole in my shoulder ;)

5/25/2016

Hey, it's my birthday today! So these posts are mostly birthday themed.

Twitter

Wanted to celebrate my beautiful boy, Open Face. My boy is 21 today and is now a MAN and I am shocked at how he is no longer 90% human and 10% type of sandwich. #HappyBirthday <3

Fellate the flames only after you think of your fantasies #yogawife

Facebook

Please PLEASE listen! I know that it's May, but I just think we should all listen to "Deck the Halls" and know that you are loved! I have been in contact with the radio stations to make it global 

Don't care who it is but someone's gotta perform surgery on my gums ASAP thank you in advance 

5/24/2016

Twitter

This reminds me of the one time I was flying from NYC to LA and someone screamed "there's a bomb on this plane" and my first instinct was to point at myself and mouth "me?" lol I'm so silly.

Men are simple beings that literally cannot comprehend emotions. I need to surround myself with robots ASAP. This morning I just walked into Third Ave because the stop light confused me too much. Bless. 

Facebook

Looking for a high-rated welding tech school for my 3 month old niece, thanks :)

It dawned on me today when I looked down and saw the Starbucks in my hand. I was genuinely enjoying the Vanilla Bean Frap and the fact that my name was written on it. It was lunch break. I am so ashamed. Goodbye forever.

5/23/2016

Twitter

Jeepers creepers my bike ran out of air this morning in both tires so I just submitted my application to ISIS. #Mondays

Ugh honestly 9/11 was probably an inside job and I believe Edward Snowden is massively underrepresented in the modern media by the government but for real I just don't understand why some Applebee's are decorated with the local school districts. Like what if you're from out of town it will make NO SENSE to you!!

Facebook

In the name of the Flying Spaghetti Monster I pray, if you or any of your plebeian cohorts tries telling me that Santa Claus is a product of corrupt capitalistic propaganda, you better strap yourself in for this 3 hour PowerPoint slideshow I've annotated, you asshole. 

Jeez yeah my mom and dad found a pile of human corpses next to our mailbox one Saturday morning (also the mailman was running around the pile, presumably because he couldn't reach the mailbox) and they were like "who do we call?" lol it was very embarrassing.